My Journey To The Longtown (The World Of Self-hatred)

I would have loved to film this and post it  on my YouTube channel (The Life Manager's Channel), but it was impossible for me because of lack of gadgets, but I hope you will enjoy reading. 

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I grew up to hate myself. Though loved by a few, my parents and siblings. Maybe some friends also loved me, I didn't know. I used to always think that every one was better than me. I wanted to please everyone at all cost. Anyone could abuse, insult, embarrass and do all sort yet got away with it. I would praise people for the little they did and talk myself down on the huge I did. I never saw anything good about myself. A word of praise used to seem to me like a mock. When it's time to take pictures, what used to run in my head is, after all I'm not beautiful. I used to look so rough and unkempt in the name of who would value my neatness. My mother's conclusion was that, I could not be easily pleased as I would always say no when she asked, do you like this? At a point, she stopped buying things for me.

I used to keep to myself, get angry at everything and with everyone who crossed my path. I loved only to work and read in a very lonely place. I could combine three people's work at a time. I used to carry the biggest water bowl when it's time to fetch water. I used to use myself like a slave.

When I turned fourteen, I sold myself away to men. I used to value the words "I love you" by a boyfriend because I thought that was the end of love. To be candid, no one ever said that to me at home. It meant a lot to me. I valued the three words I LOVE YOU because they were alien to my ears from my childhood until Tope my first boyfriend said it to me. I dated about twenty guys before I turned eighteen. I was so smart and damn a game player, I wouldn't visit their houses but enjoyed the pleasure of our phone conversations. I would wake up in the middle of the night to do extra cool with boyfriends. I thought that was the end of love. 

With all that, I hadn't stopped to hate myself. If I would dress nicely, it would be for them (my boyfriends). My photograph postures had changed at this time...I was doing it only to sweet them.

I gained admission into the university at eighteen. The first one month was a very though one for me. Everyone laughing was making gest of me, every one frowning was frowning at my ugly face, was the thought I was carrying on my head. I was bothered by everyone's actions and reactions. It was threatening to me. I thought the best way to shake off shame caused by this very low self-esteem and self-hatred was to babble around every corner, I did that and it made me to be even hated and disrespected. I was so frustrated.

About two months in school, I gave my life to Jesus Christ. That was the beginning of the revolution. My sudden calmness was like a miracle to the boy I attached myself to as a friend. I couldn't afford to be friend with a lady, because I had sustained a phobia for women from childhood. John was the only one who could manage to accept me with my mess, I clung to him and we are friends till today. 

I became born again and eventually became a worker after some weeks. I became a chorister in Christ Apostolic Church Youth Fellowship. The fellowship I attended throughout my University days. So many things about me changed being born again and a worker, bad enough I was still far from loving myself. I could drain my blood to please the president of my fellowship and my coordinators. Not like an eye service, I was doing everything with and from my heart but ignorantly. I didn't understand the place of self love, I  wouldn't say no to a thing. I was just like a robot. Wait, I am not condemning the place of sacrifice in serving God and our leaders, it shouldn't just be ignorantly or like a zombie.

There was an occasion I will never forget, it was a choir concert. At that time I was the choir unit welfare coordinator. Prior to the d-day, we had had a series of rehearsals plus vigils in which I was very active. On that day, I had cooked for the guests, stressed myself like I was going to... It was rugged I must confess. Oops! My voice had gone off and I was to lead the first ministration. Gush! That day, my stressed, cracked voice messed me up. I couldn't have lead the ministration but how would I face my coordinators to explain that somebody else should lead it? I would never take an excuse, not for a thing. I was so lost in this longtown of self-hatred.

My self-hatred tenacity grew when I was having pimples on my face and again adding weight. I could hardly walk around the school as nearly every one would complain about my stature and rough face. I felt like, I was the only fat person in the world having pimples. I would spend the little I should use to eat to care for my face, yet there would be no changes. What a life!

I lived my life this way throughout my four years in the University till I was called to serve my dear Nation.

While in the NYSC orientation camp, I didn't make any friend, I was all by myself, I was feeling I was the worse among the thousands on the orientation camp. I wouldn't be able to run away from my platoon meetings, hence I would babble to free myself from shame.

Completely, my life changed in December 2019 to the glory of God. Before then, I had been listening to sermons and reading articles about self-love but they made little or no sense to me until I laid my hand on this T.D Jake's book. Like a raw gold, I melted at the heat of coal from the book and every drop of self-hatred in me fell out. That was the beginning of my live.

It was at this time I realized that the genesis of some of the problems in the lives of people is not demonic attack but self-hatred. The genesis of uncontrolled anger, 'workaholicism', babbling, bleaching, 'prostitution', changing boyfriends like clothes, loneliness, restlessness, unpeaceful living, bitterness, insecurity, jealousy, unnecessary/unreasonable attachment could be self-hatred.

I rose up from the depth of self-hatred to the mountain of self-love. I started to love myself for who I am and who God created me to be. Today I am soaked in loving myself and I will do that till I die.

Loving myself was the beginning of my life. My real life (the life God has designed for me to live) started the day the I started to love myself.

I could boldly pick up my life's purpose and today I'm living in it. Loving myself has been helping me to serve God without barrier and ignorance.

Loving myself has been helping me to love others. Jesus Christ even mentioned it in one of His teachings that loving your neighbour begins from loving yourself, if you don't love yourself, you can never love anybody.

I love myself and would not cheaply give myself away to any man. Loving myself has made me see love beyond the voice of and gifts from a boyfriend.

Loving myself has made me see and understand more of the love of Christ for me.

The best that has ever happened to me after salvation is Loving myself for who I am.

Do you also love yourself? If you don't, you are missing and the best choice is to start loving yourself. There is an hollow in every man which only self-love can fill, no amount of external love can fill it, not even the love of God. You must love yourself to be able to extend it to others and to live a perfect life.